Not all priests are destined to be healers. The Light speaks strongly to those whose talents lie with easing the pain of others, balancing out the Shadow cast by those who cause such injuries. Many times, those injuries come out of necessity, or are for a just cause in the mind of the priest, so in a sense they allow the Shadows to be cast so that their Light can shine and strike balance.
Some priests, however, become a living embodiment of the balance all priests strive to maintain. They become both Light and Shadow, their repertoire of spells not only including those to heal and protect their companions but also to strike back at their foes. These Shadow priests must ever be vigilent to not let the scales tip either way. Some have little trouble with this task, while others are constantly at war within themselves.
My travels through Azeroth after leaving my home were for the most part uneventful, and I thought myself one of many Shadow priests who managed the balance perfectly fine. I found it natural, and I could move into my Shadowform as easily as I could breathe. I am no healer, however, as my companions can attest to, though I could at least keep our enemies under control until they could be eliminated. So I thought nothing of it when we were tasked with traveling to Pandaria, and instead I looked forward to it. These were our ancestral lands, and I longed to see if perhaps I could find distant family, or an order of priests with which to try and strengthen my own skills.
We had yet to reach the island when the nightmares began. In them, I lost the balance I held so dear, and I saw the destruction and pain that I caused, and I could only look on in horror as I raised my hand to my friends. I'd wake, my fur soaked in sweat while everyone else on the ship continued to sleep soundly. There was little I could do beside drink to calm my nerves and try to sleep once more. I'd assumed it was just the jitters from exploring new-to-me lands.
Once we made landfall, we were so preoccupied that the nightmares did not resurface, my sleep finally uninterrupted. I tried to be a little more cautious when using my Shadow magic, still afraid of the dream coming to pass. Our travels further into this exotic land triggered a new symptom, as I soon began to hear the tiniest of voices in the back of my mind. It was only when I was absolutely quiet that I could hear them, and their comments about my companions and my own weaknesses. I knew I still had much to learn, and I tried to steel myself against their words. I never claimed to be a great priest, and that was my rationale against the voices, though when Sunderpalm pointed out a flaw I knew I had, I must confess I reacted harshly to him. I don't think he ever forgave me fully for it, either.
(Oh please, it's not like he sees you as an equal anyway.
Of course he does! We left the Isle together and traveled together for a time. How would you know anyway?
I'm in your head, remember? I can see all of your thoughts and memories.
Even..?
Yes, especially that, you naughty girl. Besides, you're just a kid to him- an annoying one at that. You can pretend all you want he doesn't treat you like a pest, but he does. Why else would he try to get a demon to bathe you?
....
Exactly.)
When we finally, fully met the Alliance on the battlefield, I had already begun to lose confidence in my abilities. The constant needling from the voices wore on me, but even I could not foresee what the destruction of the Jade Serpent's statue would bring about. The skies turned black, and the voices went from whispering to screaming in my head, overpowering my control of the Shadow almost completely. While I managed to at least spare the Hozen and Horde, I watched my nightmare come to pass on the Alliance, and I was filled with such hatred and malice towards them like I had never known before.
(It doesn't help that you'd fought the Alliance in Azeroth, either.
I know, but that battle kind of intensified it. Especially after that camp where the Alliance had Pandaren children working as slaves for them. I can't remember being so angry before then.
I must admit, you did a remarkable job there. I wouldn't change a thing in how you handled it.)
I traveled alone for a time after that, belonging to no guild and trusting no one. The voice in my head was constant, and was no longer just a voice but a presence in my mind, always fighting for control. I tried my hardest to regain my balance, meditating and seeking to find the Light for guidance, but my Shadow was always there. In combat I became ruthless and reckless, charging headfirst into battles I knew I could not win, just to feel that rush of adrenaline and the surge of power my Shadow was addicted to. My mindset was changing while in Shadowform, no longer seeking to right a wrong but wanting to see my enemies squirm and suffer. It was rather glorious in a way.
(Told you so.
Shut it.)
It's hard to describe fighting with my Shadow voice tempting me, baiting me to let go of the control, and to let her handle everything. It didn't help when Garrosh began to show his cowardice and bullheadedness, the Horde splitting between those who followed him, and those who saw him for his true nature. I hid myself away, determined to purge myself of this voice that haunted me. That only made it worse, as I was now completely alone and isolated from those I had considered my friends. I didn't want to hurt them through my lack of control.
I reached a sort of epiphany, if you will, while looking into the still waters of the stream near my hiding spot. I looked into the waters, seeing not my reflection, but that of my Shadow, grinning back at me. I'd reached my wits' end, and I slapped at the surface of the water.
"Leave me be! Why must you haunt me like this? I am not like you!" I'm certain any who passed me by would have seen me exactly as I felt, half mad and yelling at the voices in my head. To my shock and absolute horror, the Shadow did not mimic my moves as a reflection should, but instead smirked back at me.
"I am you, whether you choose to accept it or not. I am what you could be, if you weren't so afraid of yourself." Her voice was a timbre darker than my own, and she put a hand on her hip, as though she were exasperated with me, though in my mind she had no right to be, since she was the intruder.
"I am only afraid of myself because of you. Your whispers made me doubt myself-"
"YOU made yourself doubt your abilities." The Shadow was angry, and had she a physical form I have no doubt that she would have taken it. "All your life you have lived a mockery of what balance is, and I have rocked the boat to make you find your center. I am the Shadow to your Light personified, and I am winning this battle. Admit it- you like when I'm in control, because I can do without fear what you cannot."
"Never! I will never let you take control!" I argued, but her smug grin only served to make me angrier.
"I'm still winning. You're not a very good priest, you know. You've completely thrown the idea of balance out the window only because I popped the little bubble you'd created. Face it, you NEED me." She faded from the water, leaving me with only my tear stained reflection glaring back at me, and blissful silence.
(You were such a whiner. It's no wonder Sunderpalm thinks you're a nuisance.
Will you knock it off?
Only if you get some Frog's Venom Brew. That stuff is so strong even I feel it. And we both know where to find some, don't we?
*sigh* I'll get Linliu to pilfer it...)
I retreated into my hiding spot once more, mulling over what had just happened. For days I wrestled with the beliefs I'd been raised with, and tried to reconcile them with what I now had to contend with. The best way I could come to terms with it was the hope that if I simply treated her as the Shadow element she embodied, then maybe I could still control her while tapping into her strengths.
(Days? You moped for two weeks. Do you know how bored I was? And I wouldn't call it control, more like work alongside, or... take the backseat while I drive the goblin machine of death.
With my foot on the brake, maybe. I know your tricks now.
Just means I get to come up with new ones.)
I was half afraid to test this theory, but it worked, the Shadow finally seeming to bend to my will once more. With my confidence regained I progressed quickly, working back up to where I had been before I lost my nerve and regressed. In a way, combat became rather fun, though I think that is the influence of the Shadow within me. After reconnecting with my former companions, I found a home with the Grim, whose mandate allows me to continue testing the waters of my abilities and push myself further. I don't think I can ever truly be normal around them, but I don't think anyone in the guild can be considered normal, either. The Shadow voice still has influences over my conscious thoughts from time to time, mostly when it amuses her.
(And with the Grim's pursuits, I'm always amused. We've got to get your armor upgraded so we can go with them, imagine the fun!
In time, sheesh. I just got the hang of you, I'm not rushing into anything without being properly prepared and learning all I can from the other priests.
... ok, I'll concede that point to you.
I figured you would, after yesterday's foolishness on the Timeless Isle.
So I didn't know you could be trampled half to death by a little ox calf, okay?? Besides, the only reason you joined the Grim was because Sunderpalm joined their ranks.
That's not true, Ruuki said it was an ideal guild for growth, and that she wouldn't trust any others besides Grim to have her back.
You're omitting your infatuation, which still counts as lying, and you're trusting a forgetful cow.
I do not have a crush on him!
Liar, liar, robes on fire.)
I'm finding my way finally, so now I can at least appear to be a normal Shadow priest. I guess not every priest can hold a conversation with their Shadowform, but I have to admit, the extra feedback when fighting can be a help. I think in due time I'll be a much better asset to the guild and the friends I've made here.
(Are you done yet? There's a rather handsome monk over there playing looky loo, we might get a free drink out of it.
Pfft, him? Please... I can get two at least.
There's a good girl, I knew I trained you well.)
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((OOC note: Everything in italics is all in her head, purple is of course her Shadow talking.))