With tusks newly polished and Mohawk freshly greased into a fashionably immobile position, Bjarnemon, wearing his Sunday’s best gold-embroidered robes and mechanical goggles saunters into Khorvis’ office carrying a 2-inch-thick tome.
“Ah, i's about time you be back! I be done, mon! Dis be mah report!”
The smell of pride wafts heavily off of Bjarnemon’s countenance. The book which he meagrely “slammed” onto the desk looks to be capably human-leather-bound and adorned with polished bone chips (similar to many of the nicer books in the Grim library). Bjarnemon unabashedly takes Drinn’s empty seat of the witnessed conversation “weeks” prior. He puts his large, naked, 3-toed feet up on the desk, stretches his toes with ankles crossed and tilts his chair hazardously-far back while lighting a small dwarven pipe. Once lit, he folds his hands behind his head in a truly pompous fashion.
“Go ahead and take a read, mon!” he sucks back hard and coughs up smells of an exotic (Darnassian) nature. “Heheh, so I remember hearin’ o’ your plight with the endless battles in Deepwind Gorge and I gets to be thinkin’:” (dramatic pause) “‘I think I can do better dan that!’” Bjarnemon calms down as his whirling goggles fight to keep the proper focus and lighting for his masked, dilating pupils. His large, almost goofy smile has yet to withdraw from his face. “An’ I be thinkin’ that us Grim need to be slayin’ the ‘ydra’s body rather than cleavin’ its ‘eads foreva! O’ course, the Alliance portals be the metaphorical body of this pink-skinned ‘ydra, mon. And so, I set out to kill their proliferators.” Bjarnemon’s voice quiets as any experienced storyteller’s does. “Their ends came swiftly at the ‘ands of my ‘andy-finger-wrigglin’ mechanations.” Bjarnemon raises his eyebrows while showing an intimidating display of jazz-hands.
Khorvis grumbles as he flips open the work. He notices the pages of the book are artfully detailed with moving images animating different ‘action-scenes’ of Bjarnemon’s conquests. The secret of their source is easily guessed, as Bjarnemon’s out-of-focus tusks are seen neatly framing the bottom two corners of every animation. The volume of the thirty-something-page tome is bolstered by many pressed, bodily inserts. “I was workin’ on integratin’ acoustics, but the technology still be very wyrmy. I felt it need not be a priority, given your eyes still be read-able.” There’s a well-organized table of contents at the front with chapters’ page numbers matching the imprints on the dehydrated gnome-tongue bookmarks seen poking out of the side of the tome.
There is a large, long-winded prelude of how this was poetic justice for the “young, upstart mages” of the Alliance and how Bjarnemon deemed them unworthy to tamper with teleportation magics (let alone teach them!) And exactly how all of the Grim’s most likely schemes would profit from the greatly reduced number of portalled Alliance reinforcements. The text is written in old-orcish of surprisingly perfect grammar; using an appropriately harsh script.
Each of the meaty-chapters’ introductions give detailed biographies and analyses of its victims, complete with personalized rationalities as to why they must die and concluded with a short action-sequence of their end as seen through Bjarnemon’s goggles. These chapters which immediately follow the prelude are titled as follows:
Perdue’s Perdition: Larimaint no more
-in short: Stormwind’s mage tower was the first logically tactical target of assault; it is easily reinforced given enough warning, and the reinforcements would be mightiest. Bjarnemon is seen riding a gold-looking dragon into the top-floor of the tower, entering a portal and achieving complete surprise. Larimaine Purdue has her nose in a book when her brains begin to melt with arcane energies; the surrounding guards are too stunned and temporally slowed to reach Bjarnemon in time. Larimaine slumps to the ground in a smoking heap and the “camera” is extremely shaky as Bjarnemon is apprehended. Other mages within the tower begin their incantations when the camera-footage is cut-off. Larimaine’s opal necklace makes a nice border around the animation.
Dumb-ass Dumas: Elissa’s dirty portal
-Out of all of the portal-trainers, Elissa Dumas is the dumbest.
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-After Elissa’s demise, it might be surmised that the mages of the Alliance might be wise to a serial-killer’s plot. As such, Bjarnemon felt that a diversion would be warranted. Bjarnemon elected to invisibly slow-fall past Ironforge’s heavy front-gate security. In his haste, he found an opportunity to slip into Murren Stormpike’s war room which was not at all well-manned. He conveniently found a dwarven bar-maid carrying empty beer mugs from Ironforge’s command-center. After casting a spell to steal her visage, he melted her plump, dwarven innards at the back of her pub. He then inserted his own vial of “special brew” into the beer keg and served up five pints of ale. The tale of his waddle back to the command-table, mild flirting with the guards, and subsequent poisoning and of the dwarven generals was recounted without a hint of shame. A short animation shows Bjarnemon (or is it a dwarven bar-wench?) arming the nearby tank with a timer. The drunken, puking generals did not notice the tank’s turret turn towards them, nor its large ball exploding towards their table when they died. But the rest of Ironforge did. The heavily fortified Mystic Ward is seen emptying in a rally towards their impacted Military Ward as the clip ends. Bjarnemon notes the nonsense of keeping live munitions close to tactically important places.
The Eye of the Storm: Milstaff’s malstaffing
-A new animation shows time slowing as Bjarnemon lunges towards the casting gnome. Bjarnemon surges with arcane energies as arcane missiles fly towards the gnome’s fiery staff. The power of the missiles collides with Milstaff Sormeye’s emerging pyroblast, creating an arcane feedback explosion within. Both mages fly from the explosion and crash against opposite walls, only the troll’s body is the one that’s still in one piece. After recovering from his slumped state, Bjarnemon looks around the room, witnessing the wreckage of the Mystic Ward. Droves of dwarves with pikes are seen approaching the troll before the animation stops. A green gnomish eye is attached to this page.
By The Light: The mans on the Lunaraa
-After accomplishing the previous assassinations, there is no more amount of trickery that could make killing the draenie portal-master easy. They would know Bjarnemon would be coming for her. She was extremely well-guarded, with even ‘heroes from reputable guilds’ protecting her. They used proper fel-sensors which could foil the mage’s illusion magics. This chapter has the fewest words in it, yet the longest animation. The Cen is seen nearby, squatting with her back to a pillar, somewhere inside of the Exodar’s cracked hull. Shadow and light rise and fall, gleaming and dispersing the Cen’s image throughout the crystal walls as a few unheard words escape her mouth. She’s soaked in blood and sweat, but not visibly bleeding; her posture seems carefree, but her eyes betray focus. Bjarnemon looks around his crystal pillar as a large chunk of magical ice hits him in the face, narrowly evading the volley of arrows not far behind it. Bjarnemon’s goggles are already cracked. Two dead-looking trolls wearing what looks to be Bjarnemon’s kit are nearby. Bjarnemon nods at the Cen’s recent words as the elf casts a spell which makes one of trolls conscious. Bjarnemon creates a portal with the blurry image of Frostwolf Garrison within. The Cen closes her eyes as tendrils of light slip from her fingertips into the nearly dead trolls chakras, dominating him now; the Cen manipulates the ‘look-alike’ through the portal, and follows through it, skipping freely. Just then, a large, collared felhound appears from around Bjarnemon’s crystal pillar and bites down hard on Bjarnemon’s arm, effectively nullifying his only viable means of escape. Bjarnemon sprays cold in its face before turning towards the crowd gathered within a makeshift fort housing the still-breathing Lunaraa. Time slows; a male draenie death-knight’s necrotic pull is seen coming towards Bjarnemon just before he blinks into the fray. The suspended motion of blades dancing towards Bjarnemon would be humorous to see, as he ducks, dodges, and dives past the Alliance’s weaponry; if only the effects of his spell were not countered by Lunaraa’s own talents. One last blade catches the troll in the leg. It becomes difficult to see with the sprays of blood sticking to the animation-page and great shows of arcane energies causing the pictures to jitter. Bjarnemon finds a path to his target and blinks behind the young draenie. As she turns, the horror in her eyes is to die for, as he grips her melting skull with every working fibre left in his upper-body and brings her face close to his. His grip is enough to break the draenie’s skin. The light in her eyes gently fades as smoke exits her mouth. Her expression changes to a beautiful welcoming of her oncoming oblivion. Blood sprays onto the draenie's vacant face as Bjarnemon looks down to see a Deathknight’s great-blade penetrated through his victim as well as himself. The animation ends.
Following this “meat” of the book is a “Results” section; complete with statistical analyses on the outcomes of the preceding deeds. Bjarnemon claims a calculated reduction of 21% Alliance interventions over the next ten years as a direct result of this mission (complete with temporal line-graph) and average response time lag of 8% during the same period.
Lastly, the “Discussion” section speaks of how further results could be realized by slaying the trainers’ progeny and re-murdering any potentially resurrected portal-masters. Khorvis’ astute eye notices that the second-last page of the tome appears to have been surgically removed. The book ends with a newer-looking page, adorned with the Grim motif and slogan “Peace Through Annihilation”. It is signed ~Bjarnemon.
Bjarnemon waits patiently, smoking his pipe, smiling fondly as the paper-laden memories are perused; sometimes chuckling quietly to himself. At the end of the last animation, Bjarnemon is heard mumbling "oh yeah... I remember that one. That was a good one", smiling as what could be a tear runs down the other side of his far cheek.
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