Musings of a Mistress

[lascivious]

[[More stories and background can be found at Lascivious' biography page.]]

[written in barely legible orc. the entries are undated and there seems to be no order to them as if the writer wrote whatever he/she was thinking at the moment.]

I hate writing. A necessary evil for my position, I suppose. Or maybe, like anything else we hate doing things we are not good at. It was not until I became Mistress that I set myself the task of learning to write again for necessities’ sake.

My father taught me to write. I was one of the few in the village who could. Reading and writing gives a person a chance to be more than their station and keep others from deceiving you, he told me. Obviously this does not apply to the spoken word.

Why now? Why write after all this time? Perhaps because I have lately had the burning need to unburden my soul, but have no one I can speak to. I thought I did, but no longer. Aside from formal greeting none of my friends from before I was Mistress speak to me unless necessary. It seems being alone is the true burden of my position. But I will bear it because there are too many depending on me and it is fitting penance for my living transgressions.

My last diary was a compilation of my conquests. With the exception of Sammuel, there was not a man – brother, father or husband – who did not succumb to my will.

Perhaps this book will catalogue my failures. What a long and amusing tale that would be.

I suppose I should start with my greatest failure.

Lovely.

Or maybe I shouldn’t. That wound to my heart is too fresh to scrutinize myself objectively.

I will start with the Grim. My grip on their throat is stronger now than it has ever been. But I nearly failed them. I lost my purpose and in doing so they lost theirs. It pained me greatly what I had to do to Grogkor, but examples had to be made and made with extreme prejudice. His decisions were his own, but if I had not failed him perhaps he would not have felt the need to take matters into his own hands. I never imagined what Skumm would do when I told him to bring me a piece of his flesh. The Grim seemed divided between glee and horror. But none were more horrified than I, but could not show it and I accepted Skumm’s gift as if it was exactly what I expected. I wish I could blame my feelings on that matter on Lovely. But Like Grog, I am responsible for my own choices.

What was done is done and I believe my example has been noted and heeded. There are still a few remaining whose necks need an extra shaking but they will come around. Or they will be gone. I have regained my vision and the path of the Grim is now clearer to me than ever. The traitorous Sin’Dorei prince will die. When the seas to Northrend thaw we will seek Arthas and deliver him to my queen so she may rend his unholy flesh from his bones.

She is the only one - including myself - who has not failed me. I will not fail her.

[[nothing further written this page]]

[lascivious]

I wonder. Have I always been this stupid and just never realized it before? Or is it something new?

She told me something she claims no one else knows. And it's not even really a big deal, but it seemed important to her so I vowed I would not reveal it to anyone and I keep my vows. But did I need to tell her my name? Only my brother knows this and he barely remembers it. I've tried to put that part of my life behind me. Why did I feel the need to reciprocate and to do so strongly?

I barely know her, why did I trust her with that? Why can't I get her out of my head?

[The rest of the page is filled with doodles of puppies, headless humans and the letter "A" randomly drawn throughout]

[lascivious]

I met with my warlocks on the edge of the rock overlooking the Hand of Gul'don. I had to leave her to do so, which is just as well. I know I am just a 'thing' to her.

I've always admired my warlocks, controlling what had controlled them. What can destroy them. Know your enemy. Lupen was telling us the history of the Gul'don, but it as hard for me to concentrate. The green fel fire was intoxicating and hypnotic. I chose the warrior's path to release my anger and hate in the most intimate manner I could - what's more intimate than embracing my enemies and looking into their eyes while my blade drains the life from them. I wonder how my new life would be different if I had chosen the way of the dark arts.

That's not what was on my mind then. Then I wondered if I stepped off that rock into the fire, if it would cleanse everything away - pain, lonliness, love, hate - or just my flesh and bone, leaving everything else to cling to my spirit like a heavy weight dragging it down into the darkest of nethers.

He wanted me to do it. I could hear his voice in my head mocking me, daring me. He does not know me well enough to know that is the wrong approach and I am unimpressed. I think he realized his mistake and it would not surprise me if he returned with renewed resolve.

Acherontia spoke to me afterward. It seems I have been betrayed yet again, only this time by my brother, Sammuel. I do not think it was intentional, I do not think he realizes the power my name holds over me and what another could do with it. But at least one of my Grim have heard it leave his lips. I must speak them and squash this talk at my earliest opportunity.

I think Ach's concern for me is genuine, but for now I will keep my heart hidden from her. There are already too many issues need resolving before I can care about anyone again - even if it is just friends.

[lascivious]

I finally let her go completely. Nothing I have ever done has been harder, but I've seen what it's like to let these things linger. I owe her much. In the short time we were together she saved me twice. Once from myself and once from (words scribbled out until unreadable). I can't mention it, not even here to myself.

I am tempted to go back to how I was, but I refuse to. It has been too long since I lost my innocence. Not that I can get it back, but despite the searing my heart has taken I will not close it off again. I am content to guard it carefully, but my Grim need some compassion from their Mistress, even the ones that have none themselves.

[same page seems to be a different entry]

Blood has confirmed to me what I already knew in my heart. He has been spending his nights with Vilmah. I am irritated but not angry. I trust Blood and we are not so completely different her and I. How spiteful would I be to deny her what I can't have but need the most? We are young, barely women, thrust by circumstance into positions men covet. Our every action scrutinzed a thousand fold. Is there anything more lonely?

If so I hope I do not discover it.

[lascivious]

Kromag contacted me over the stone not long ago. At first I was impressed he had the courage to do so and I was pleased he had returned. He offered to face me, but when I asked him to choose the place of this death he backed off. Typical. He says he has forgiven himself for what he did to my Grim and has come to terms with it. Isn't that convenient? I forgive myself, all is good in the world and nothing I did before matters. Is it that simple? Even so I would never dare utter those words should one of the thousands of bereaved widows I have created came seeking me. I would kill them or die myself. To say such a thing would only be insulting.

And Vilmah. Just when I think I can find respect for her she disgusts me. If Sammuel did such a thing I would unman him without a second thought though it would pain me do so. How can she still call him brother? Blood is blood, but even that can only go so far. What the hell is Blood doing? If she hurts him she and her brother will lie together.

Many Grim have offered to deal with this for me, but is something I will take pleasure in doing for myself when the time is right. They have more immediate issues to deal with.

As do I. Grainger is gone and so my quest for Kael's head is delayed. I relied heavily on the wizard for advice if not friendship. His calm efficiency will be missed. In the mean time, the trolls of Zul'Aman are dropping to their knees like paladins in Goldshire. They are pathetic and a minor distraction only, but I do not care for their presence so close to my queen's people as they try to heal their land.

It seems I will soon have to find some other bloody distraction to satisfy my Grim's lust. I will think on this.

[lascivious]

Hellista spoke to me last night. She says she wants nothing. But I doubt it. Perhaps she just wanted to simply remind me of her presence and annoy me with it. But she seems the type who always wants something. I miss the simple days when I could just kill whatever annoyed me.

Kia spoke to me on the walls of Shattrath. As usual our timing is not good. It doesn’t matter. She is determined to join us and as Mistress I will not involve myself with those I must lead and judge.

There was a short time when love strengthened me, now it has left my soul in turmoil and weakened me. He has sensed this and uses these times of weakness to assault me. He did so while I stood on the wall with Kia and so surprised was I to feel his presence in Outland - in the city of light - it knocked me from the wall. Thankfully this time it was brief, perhaps that was the extent of what he could do from such a distance. Nevertheless, I am no longer unimpressed. Kia said I spoke to her in a voice not my own. I made her promise not to tell anyone - I cannot be perceived to be weak to the others.

I’ve noticed the assaults come only in the presence of someone I care deeply about when my guard is at its lowest. Sammuel, Acherontia, Lovely and now Kiaransalius. Each one has been stronger. I will take pains to avoid them in the future. I will return to my isolation for my, and their, protection. I will follow my queen’s example. She resisted him. My will is her will. I will be strong for her. No promise of power will cause me to betray her.

(Some more scribbled out sentences. Then what appears to be a separate entry.)

What in all the hells is wrong with paladins? Why are they scurrying from under their rocks to pledge their loyalty or love to me? Haven’t they heard I hate them? That I despise their hypocrisy and their use of the ‘light’? It should be clear enough to my own.

Mahakali has pledged herself to me. To me! Even though she is clear on my feelings her service is to the Mandate not me. If any in the Grim serves another it is I who serves them. I should expel them all. They’ll be the death of me.

[lascivious]

I met Hellista near the battle masters in Orgrimmar yesterday. Strange how quickly opinions change. I think I enjoy her banter as much as I do Evanthe's. Though Hellista seems to be more straight forward in her disdain than the other warlock. She also felt it necessary to declare her sanity to me. Which, of course, makes me doubt it. But not everything is as it seems. Who knows? I will have to be cautious around her for sure. We talked in my favorite place to sit in Orgrimmar, where I can see everything but still away from prying eyes. We made a date to eat flesh together. More elves should be like her I think. They are all already crazy. Some flesh eating won't hurt. It might even make them easier to take seriously.

I fought with Sammuel in the arenas as well. It was difficult to resist him, covered in the blood of our opponents. I wanted to throw him down a lick him clean and not stop until we satisfied our hunger on each other's flesh. My brother is even stronger in unlife than he was in life. The Dark Lady's blessing, though he curses her name. He does not understand she is the reason we are together.

But I need him. I need him now more than ever. I would pay almost any price to be held by him again. He would take me back I know. But for his safety, for my own sanity, I must remain separated from those few I love. I will continue to love him, but from afar and I will dream every night of lying with him listening to his sweet words of love.

[lascivious]

Last night Tamora told me she was leaving us. I am not surprised. She never made any effort to get to know my Grim. I am disappointed but it does add one less complication to my over-complicated relationship with Lovely. I find it disappointing she should disparage some of my member’s honor and in the same conversation show none herself. She cannot let go. Cannot get over the fact the woman she bound herself to no longer exists. She intimated she would force Lovely of Lakeshire and Lovely as I know her to merge after admitting the Lakeshire woman wanted no part in that. I wonder if I do that? Forget about my honor when it is convenient for my needs. I hope not. I do not think I do. Many my disagree with my ways, but I am always steady and consistent. I hope she was just talking, because I will not allow this. I have asked Lovely is she wishes it and she says no. I failed to protect the paladin when she was under my charge, I will not fail to do so now.

I spoke to Skafloc about this, I was not pleased he was unaware of this development with Anatasia, nor was he. But I did have his support and that is something I suppose. I spoke to him at length about Evanthe and was surprised he and Nymare were married. I don’t pay attention to such things.

But what was most intriguing was the elf girl I met later that evening. She seemed familiar to me somehow, but her name is Feleena and I had never met her before. It was later I discovered she was Skafloc’s daughter. I asked the hunter about her mother and all he told me was she had her mother’s eyes. When I looked at her again I felt as if Thrall had kicked me in the gut. I spent most of the evening with her. I think I will not see her again, lest I grow too attached to her simply because of her relations to my love.

All this watching is eating at me. I am used to action. I hate this. But I do not think my blade can make this one right. I will continue to watch and for now I will bide my time.

[lascivious]

She saved me again. I wish she would stop showing up when I need her. It makes it harder to let her go. The sight of her pains me to no end, but it is nothing next to her absence. And Cessily. Dark Lady bless that loud-mouthed rogue. There are things happening she doesn’t know about, but I appreciated her plea to Lovely on my behalf. That thief is a constant pain in my side, but her potential is starting emerge. She has changed much since coming to our ranks though she still has a lot of growing up to do.

This last episode has shaken my confidence. If not for Lovely’s arrival I don’t know what I would have done. It would be easier to let her go if she would stop caring so much. But I can’t stop reaching out to her when I am need.

His words are sweet and seductive, but how can I trust him when every person who has claimed to be my friend or love me has betrayed me? Even Sammuel, though unknowingly. Only Kia has remained true to me, but it’s only a matter of time. But still, can I resist him alone? Do I want to? I see my queen almost every day. Every day she looks saddened and pained. The Grim is the largest independent force in the Horde. If I am going to bear this burden, why not take it all? Why not be his queen? The Alliance will be crushed and I will have my revenge. It’s what I have been working for isn’t it? If not than what use is all the blood I’ve shed?

I encountered Skafloc and Evanthe tonight as well as Sabacthan. Or what I thought was. It was quickly clear it was not the missing priest. He had somehow taken control of Evanthe and it seemed to me was using her to control Skafloc, but I do not know of such things. All I know is he was trying to make Skafloc kill his brother Khaell who seemed more than willing to cut the hunter down. The baron is my only ally in my fight to keep Lovely as she is so I placed myself between the two. For a moment I thought the Grim would need to find a new leader, but the imposter released him and disappeared, leaving Evanthe collapsed in the street. I tended her while Skafloc spoke to Tamora who was nearby. I do not know what they spoke of Tamora accosted the hunter while is wife lay possibly dying in the street. I misjudged this woman terribly. I want to cut my own tongue out for calling her sister. If I had not been holding the warlock in my arms I would have killed her for insulting me, especially after the kindness I have shown her.

The only brightness of the entire evening was Annelia. We tried to kill a human paladin in the Cleft hiding in the Chasm, but the coward would only emerge when she had the energy to use her shield. Even so we nearly had the bitch several times. I hope I see her when she has nowhere to run. I have marked her face and I will take pleasure in eating her heart.

(The next entry on the page seems to be written at a later time and is sloppier than usual. The page is torn in some places as is the writer was attacking the parchment with her quill.)

Stupid bitch. I hate myself for sending Kia to her. She wants so badly to abandon the captured naaru’s power, I sent her to Lovely to ask her how she uses her power, and she in turn sends her to Clys! Kia has acquiesced to my demand she does not pursue this lead, but I can tell it pains her to do so. I am not sure what to do. I have asked Annelia to ask among Sanctuary’s paladins if there are any like Lovely, who do not use the blood elves’ prisoner for power. If there are others like her, certainly that must be where they are hiding.

(Another separate entry in calmer tone)

I have spoken to Clys. I do not trust her, nor believe much of what she says, but I do want to help poor Kia. I know her ways, Kia does not. Clys says she does not know how Lovely gets her power and Lovely does not either, I suppose Kia will have to live with what she is doing or abandon her cause and take up another path to follow. It is unfortunate. I know how important this is to her.

[lascivious]

I thought of something this morning when I woke. I saw Malethia last night in Silvermoon City. I was going to speak to her but as i was approaching I saw Cessily and they seemed to be deep in converstaion. They also seemed to be rather friendly though Mal did not seem to be her usual self. I think I shall ask her about this. She invited me to join her for a dinner and though this is not something I desire, I do try to meet with my Grim individually as often as I can. I will except her invitation, but I swear by the Dark Lady, if this is yet another paladin about to confess her love for me I will smash her skull in.

I miss Mallos. At least he wanted me for his own pleasure without promise of anything more. I wonder what happened to that wizard.

[lascivious]

I spoke to Kia last night. Apparently Annelia’s lover was telling her things she has learned about me from Annelia. I am not pleased. Especially since my words were delivered inaccurately and with no context. What else has Annelia told her? Who else is she telling? I have to rethink this friendship. I am also confused. This Alana told Kia things that happened to me only a few people know of and Annelia is not one of them. Someone has been talking and since Cessily hates this huntress I know it was not her.

I had intended to hear Kia’s business and be gone but I spent most of the night with her. It was foolish. But it was also perfect. She knew when I needed her to submit. She knew when I needed her to take control. Her love might be what I need to resist him, but I am still wary. The memory of Lovely is too fresh and Kia’s relationship with Cessily reminds me too much of Lovely’s with Tamora. I feel like I am living it all over again. Their words and promises are too similar and that is not a path I will follow again. But it doesn’t matter. She will be Grim soon and so beyond my reach.

(Appears to be a later entry)

I have not been able to find Lovely the last couple days. I am worried about what that orc is trying to do to her. Neither have I seen her brother about. I am worried about both of them in truth. Something about this has bothered me. And that is Skafloc not knowing about Anatasia. Although she did not come out and say it outright, Hellista left me with the impression Evanthe knew about this. Did I misread her? I hope so. If not it means Evanthe kept this information to herself and I know how much the hunter cares for her. I did not say anything about it to him in case I am wrong.

I met with Malethia last night. It was an awkward conversation. Neither of us wanted to give too much information to the other. Two closed off people trying to open up. It may have been comical if I was watching from afar. It did not help that she eluded to ‘hearing’ things about me, but would not elaborate. For someone who wants to seek my trust she went about it poorly.

I had a much too brief encounter with Kia last night as well. I thought about telling her about Malethia’s offer to help her on her quest to leave the captured naaru’s power behind, but I am still wary of that paladin so I have kept the information to myself. I ask her if she was still intent on joining the Grim. She said she would not if it meant being away from me and I was both relieved and apprehensive about this. Her joining the Grim would be easier for me. It would simplify a lot of things. And I don’t want her to resent me for keeping her from her goal. But it does allow us to be together. However, I told her she needs to make a choice. I will not share her.

[lascivious]

It is done.

This last betrayal, this final lie, has undone me. I have accepted his bargain. When the seas to Northrend thaw I will present myself to him. Will all be as he promised? Doubtful. I have seen the results of his work, but at least this will be expected.

In the mean time, I will begin his work here. I will break the backs of my Grim on the walls of his enemies. I will wring every drop of blood from them until only their husks remain. I will deliver them to him and revel in the tortured screams of their souls.

Then I will bask in the unholy favor of my king.

[lascivious]

That stupid elf seems to think I am possessed. I have never hidden the harsher side of me from her. She has seen first hand the punishment I deliver to those who deceive me and now she has felt it herself. Did she think she would be exempt from my wrath? If anything she is now the focus of it. She will pay for what she has done to me. She will pay for what those before her have done to me. I promised her she would not survive and so she won’t, I will see to that. But I will not release her from her pain until she hates me completely and when I am done there will be nothing left of her in that void of a skull.

She says she wants to save me. She does not understand I do not want saving. I want victory. I want conquest. I want blood. No matter. Her focus is divided so she can never achieve her goals. Mine, however, has never been clearer.

The purging will begin soon. There are too many divided loyalties among us. Anything less than complete subservience to me and the cause of peace is unacceptable. Soon all will be reminded of what it means to be Grim.

[lascivious]

Zelaine is an interesting creature. I am young, but no longer a child. My life in its entirety has been spent among the Grim. Does she truly believe I am ignorant of the mechanations of this beast? Soon I will release it on the world and it, as well as my mage friend, will be devoured by its hunger.

Watching her fumbling about trying to garner my favor is a source of great entertainment. Unfortunate for me I have too little time to spare her endevour. Last night I gave her hope. I also asked her to kill Kia. She failed miserabley, but now I know she is willing. Between her and Anaie I should be able to eliminate any opposition to my power.

Foolish Yichimet.

[lascivious]

(written in sloppy orc)

There must be something about people that make them behave a certain way. When it come to the matters of my heart I am incapable of making a good decision. Even when I was living I was plagued by this defect. Granted I never had a chance to learn on my own. Nor did I ever cheat despite my lack of descretion. But how long can I keep using Breck as an excuse? I am young but not a little girl anymore. I have seen and done things those much older than me have never seen or done. These last two years seem like an entire life time to me. But still, just two years. Seven I suppose including my death, but for me it's just two.

I do not feel so apprehensive with this new relationship. Perhaps because I do not believe her and which makes it easy not to care. I believed Lovely and Kia. Lovely nearly killed me. Kia was the ruin of me. My heart is armored once again. If my lord has does nothing else for me at least he has done this. I had forgotten what it was like to be so cold. Pleasure for pleasure's sake is so much safer then love.

Now all that warms my heart is blood and that is all I need to sustain me.