Musings of a Mistress

[lascivious]

Why can I guide others but not myself? Where did my self control go? Even at the height of my lust for blood and flesh I could hold onto my discipline, even if just barely.

I had never had multiple lovers at once. As cold hearted as I could be when I was living, I had never done it. Nor had I ever lain with any Grim, other than Sammuel who was mine before I was Mistress. It is not a wise policy. It can lead to distractions and at the very least, appearance of favoritism. Now I have broken both these policies in less than a day.

Zelaine is something so unexpected to me. I had not trusted her. I’m still not sure if I do. Yet, I cannot help but hope I can. Enough hope that I shared my living name with her. When I saw the pleasure on her face at my sharing it felt like I had done the right thing. There is something about her. She is so tall – as tall as any man - and regal looking. Just standing next to her I can feel the heat of her power radiating from her.

Spending the night with her was a revelation. She is always so angry. So willing to kill. I was surprised at her gentleness and what I sensed to be nervousness. I had to exert control over myself to keep from feasting on her flesh, but I returned her attentions in kind and I think it genuinely pleased her. I feel a great affection for her, which may have been love if it had not been for the actions of others. Gods she is so tall, so much of her to explore.

And Kia. If kindred spirits truly exist then she is mine. Our childhoods were so much alike. Our paths to our present womanhood so similar. Our pain intertwined. I left Zelaine last night reluctantly to assist the group trying to find the knight’s war mount. But when I saw Kia again after weeks of not, it wrenched my heart when I thought of all the things I had been doing to her in my anger, anger fanned by lord.

I meant to return to Zelaine immediately after killing the baron but Kia wished to speak to me. The longer I was in her presence the weaker I seemed to become. I wanted her right there in that unholy chamber, but she told me no. I know she was afraid of who was speaking to her. We did find our way to her bed eventually and as usual she did everything to perfection.

Waking this morning I felt something I have never felt before. Guilt.

But I am still wary despite this. Lovely told me once she could think of nothing that would please her more than to be on the arm of the Mistress of the Grim. Once she had me she was gone. Elves crave power. Is that all I am to them? A conquest to brag about? I can’t help but wonder who it is they truly love.

They all want Lascivious, Mistress of the Grim. Would they still want me if I was just Lascivious?

[lascivious]

Something curious has happened between Skafloc and Evanthe. I spoke with Evanthe but she was not coherent. She acted like the mindless dead. Mumbling about Sabac and Malorii. I suggested she go home and refused my help. When I came back to the square she was gone. I hope for the hunter's sake she made it to his bed. I need to speak to him about another matter anyway. Perhaps he can enlighten me to her odd behavior.

My plans are in place for eliminating the paladins of the Blood Elves. I have not given Zelaine the details, but she is steadfast in her vow to stand with me even though she knows who I serve and it will most certainly pit her against her own brother. The time is not quite right, but with preparations made it is only a matter of time. With loss of the Naaru and the Blood Knights the elves will be ripe for the plucking.

My lord will be pleased.

[lascivious]

So much blood that last few day. I've never felt so alive. Several times the last few days my Grim have rallied to my call. Once to defend Brill. Too late to find our attackers I led them on a bloody assault across Azeroth until word came Silvermoon was under attack. At first I ignored this, after all I have been tasked with it's destruction. Certainly it would be much easier should someone do my work for me. It would also keep me out of the public eye. But there were too many questions to be answered if I left the city undefended so we took a portal and quickly cleared the city of its Alliance filth.

Yesterday we gathered in Stanglethorn Vale and swept it clean of alliance dogs harassing the Horde. They tried to bring in reinforcements but could not halt our slaughter. And yet my thirst for blood is stronger than ever. The praise of the irrelevant fell upon the Grim. I am sure more will flock to my banner.

More souls for my lord to slake his unending hunger.

[lascivious]

Kia is sleeping in my bed as I write this. I have broken my word to Zelaine. There is nothing left of me now.

Zelaine asked me to take vows with her and I told her yes. When I told Kia she seemed to wilt before my eyes. I could see her love for me was true even if she did not realize it until that very moment when she knew I would be beyond her reach. She told me she loves me. Truly love me and only me. That she would be with only me and though she has told me this before, I believe she means it this time.

I have great affection for Zelaine, but I think I loved the idea of her, of anyone, loving me and wanting to be only with me. She must love me though. Why would she put herself in danger for me if she did not. She knows who my master is, yet does not care. That is not the act of a someone who does not care or love. She is the only one to ever promise herself only to me, even if I were no longer Mistress. How could I not love her? But as much as I want to, I don't. I love Kia, totally and completely. But even so, my Grim must always come first. Does that make me a hypocrite? That I asked for her total and complete loyalty to me above all others but in the same breath tell her my Grim will always come first? Who am I to make demands of others I cannot fulfill myself? Lascivious, Mistress of the Grim and guardian of the Mandate. The servant of a higher purpose. That is who. Or who I used to be, for I no longer serve the Mandate.

Poor, sweet Kia. She refuses to acknowledge the danger loving me puts her in. She thinks she understands but she does not. I have suffered much for everything I love and in one moment of weakness I ruined it all. I cannot undo what I have done to myself, but I can save the others for now.

I have begun reversing my plan for killing the knights of Silvermoon. As far as Zelaine, Kia and the rest of my Grim. I will not deliver them to him. He will be angry and my punishment I am sure will be harsher than I can imagine, but it won't matter. Nothing he does to me will alter the course I will set my Grim on now.

[lascivious]

It is finally done. Now that I am no longer guardian of the Mandate, they cannot be used for his will no matter what he does to me. Silvermoon and my friends are safe for now. What will happen from here I do not know though I fear I may have to leave the Grim completely soon and face my lord’s punishment. The Grim is my home and my love and I doubt I would have had the strength to let it go if Kia had not been there. So, I am an Irredeemable once again and this time in the service of Malebrignon. I am sure he would do well though I wish Grainger were still here.

I fear I may have ruined the last bit of what was me. I drank far too much last night and this morning I woke next to Cessily and not Kia. I removed myself as quietly as possible. I have a vague memory of talking to Cessily, of being close to her, but I don’t remember actually sleeping with her. I drank to drown the bitterness of loss, not to create another. I will have to tell Kia. I cannot keep this from her. She is the last thing I have in this world. I haven’t even seen Sammuel for weeks now. I am sure she will forgive me, but doubtful she will ever trust me again.

I am beginning to understand being in his service. Chaos reigns in my mind and my heart is wrapped in eternal shadows. Everywhere it is night with no promise of light to come. I fear this is only a pale vision of what is to come.

[lascivious]

For the moment things are as they should be. At least in regards to Kia and I. I confessed myself to her immediately, but it seems I had nothing to confess. Cessily had already spoken to her and assured her nothing happened. I am a bit surprised, Cessily is not discriminate and she has wanted me for some time. I am glad my work on strengthening her character has not been a total loss.

It is strange walking among them now. Some Grim call me Mistress by habit and I do feel like I am still their Mistress. There are a select few who seem to feel they can prod at me now and are not aware that as Irredeemable I have more freedom to be less tolerant and less forgiving than I did as Mistress. I have no doubt Brig would appreciate me culling his new flock a little further. Malethia in particular better curb her tongue. She had to gall to tell me how much she sacrificed for me. For one night? After the leniency I have shown her in the past? How short her memory is. If it was not for Kia I would take her love away from her without hesitation and return her to exile. My cruelty and barbarity is once again untethered.

There are still some I need to speak to. Nymare for one. Endangering my Grim without telling me. Particularly my lover. And Zelaine. I do not know what is happening with her. I have not seen her for days and I can not shake the feeling of responsibility I have for her even though we make our own decisions.

Kia asked me my name. I wish she hadn't. Now she has made me wary by seeking information I was ready to give her freely.

[lascivious]

Last night is such a fog. I remember clearly being in Undercity chasing alliance. But Silvermoon City seems so much a dream. I remember speaking to some elf outside near the scar and speaking to Skafloc inside the city, though my recollection of our conversations are sketchy. In fact, I thought I was dreaming until Kia came to me. Something inside me stirred at that sight of her. I suddenly felt ill and confused as if my mind had not been my own and I was recovering from some sickness. Kia took me to what seems have become our spot in Nagrand and I felt much better.

I asked her to be my mate. In a round about way. It is unfair and selfish of me, for I know I must leave soon. Nor has any such thing been important to me. But I knew it would make her happy and it does no harm to me. Also, some part of me has hope. Hope that if my spirit is bound to her perhaps one day it may be recovered. Superstition was rampant among my people, except my father and Sammuel. In unlife I had set aside such things, but who is to say. I have seen the shaman of the trolls and Tauren do many strange things.

But I do not know of such things.

[lascivious]

My mind is splintered. I pick up my quill now in a rare moment of lucidity, but I feel as I am wasting this moment for I do not know what to write. I have done much I am sure, but what I have done I am unsure.

My life is a fog, I am searching for something but I do not know what. There is something missing. Something I am losing. Just when I feel I have figured it out it slips through my mind as if I am grasping at the wind.

I awoke today in a surprising yet familiar place. I am glad she was not there when I woke. Though I would not have been unhappy had she been. What have I done? What am I doing? Where am I?

Where am I? What a strange thought to come to mind. Why did I feel compelled to write that? I am rambling now. Yet, the question seems valid. Where am I?

Kia. Zelaine. Sammuel. Lovely. Kia. Zelaine. Sammuel. Lovely.

What do those names mean to me? Nothing. Everything.

I did not realize how much the Grim anchored me to this world. How much I was giving up. I was born to lead them. I know this now. Fate decreed it long ago in that small village. There would be need of someone like me. Just as there would be need of someone like Abric or Vilmah. Have I abondoned fate? Or is this part of fate's plan? Nothing is forever. Everything changes.

A love not forgotten, only unremembered.

What does that mean? Why can't I get it out of my head? I feel like someone is trying to tell me something. Who? Maybe I am trying to tell myself. I don't know, but the clue to my survival is there, in those words.

A love not forgotten, only unremembered.

I feel it. I know it.

A love not forgotten, only unremembered.

Where am I? I am losing myself. I hate losing.

A love not forgotten, only unremembered.

I know you are there, Las. You cannot hide. I will find you.

[lascivious]

[Fresh ink begins a new set of entries.]

[lascivious]

I have returned to the Grim.  I was greeted by a mixture of genuine pleasure and doubt.  I do not blame any for doubting me and would be disappointed by any who would trust too eagerly. 

Kia returned my books.  The last few entries were painful for me to read. I had not realized even then how far my mind had wandered from my control. 

Kia. I have not seen her for weeks.  She has not spoken to me since I revealed myself to her.  The last thing she said to me was I was cold.  Cold.  This is not unexpected though that does not make it less painful.

Even Sammuel is gone.  In search of me in Northrend is the rumor. 

I am nearly ready to resume my place among the Grim on the front line.  I promised my queen would be avenged.  Kael and Illidan have fell beneath the Grim's feet. 

Soon Arthas will too.

[lascivious]

Like so many others I have gone back in time to assist Arthas in the Culling of Stratholme to prevent the possible destruction of our world from repeated attempts to alter our history - even if it seems on the surface those alterations would be for the best. 

How strange our encounter.  I felt trepidation, eagerness, fear, excitement.  He was so young, bold and handsome, nothing like the last time I encountered him.  So unlike my former master - yet not altogether different either.  Even as I pondered striking him down despite the possible consequences, I relished the chance to fight by his side, to kill in his name once again.

I wonder how I would feel about him if I could set aside what I know now.  Isn't culling the city - stopping the spread of the plague no matter the cost - an action I would take in the name of the Grim?  Isn't that what being a servent of the Mandate means?  To do whatever is necessary to preserve ourselves and destroy our enemies?  To win?

It is unfortunate he must die.  Arthas would have been a fine Grim.  I would have been pleased to be his Mistress in all ways.  But until then, perhaps I will visit the past when I can and pretend we are on the same side so we can kill together again.

What a fine match we could be.

[lascivious]

"Who is your best bud in the whole world?"

That is what the triplets asked me.  After some thinking I came to the conclusion that I not only did not have a "best bud" but I, in fact, have no friends at all. 

I am not sure how I should feel about this.  A part of me thinks it should bother me.  The Grim, while loyal to a cause and through it, to each other, is not the place for meeting friends.  I asked Esmi this question  - or at least if she had any friends.  Her answer was the same.  No.  I wonder if I asked every Grim that question if that answer would be the same.  I think if they were honest, the answer would be - I am sure there is some fellowship they my feel.  But friendship?

What use are friends anyway?  Friends complicate things.  They die.  They betray.  How effective of a Mistress could I be if I had friends among the Grim?  It was burden enough my own brother had come under the lash.  That Kia defied me and joined The Grim against my wishes.  This is what having friends gets you.

Yet, since I was asked that question, I think occasionally, why not?  Then I remember there are those who I thought closer to me than any friend could be and it  nearly ruined me.

I've worked to hard to gain back what I had lost.  Best to be disliked and unloved. 

[lascivious]

Why are there some things I can remain in complete control of but others I flail around like a blind child?  I fancy myself as being wiser than my years yet when it come to

[No more has been written as if the writer stopped and never returned to the thought.]

[lascivious]

I realized something today.   Since I began my new life I have been drawn to those that can heal themselves - with the exception of Sam  who seems to be avoiding me.  Perhaps it’s the nature of my… pleasure? 

The taste of flesh drives me.  I collect the hearts of my enemies, I long to feel the blood of “pinkersâ€

[lascivious]

The arrogance of elves I worked so hard to squash seems to be worse than ever.  Whether it's because Reg and Abric have failed in their duties or because the balance of numbers has tipped in their favor and made them bold, I do not know.  They don't seem aware all Grim are servants to a higher cause and no Grim - whether it be Enforcer, Mistress, Steward or Forsaken, elf or Shu'halo is better than any other.  Their smugness in their perceived power and constant insults and petty squabbles is why the alliance will fail.  And why we will too if it does not cease.

The Grim begged me not admit the elves.  Some said they will destroy as.  I can see now how that could be, but how could I deny them - my queen's people?  Right now while I bide my time, I can only hope they were wrong and I was right.

I like being right.