A Prayer Book (Journal)

[Aureilya]

By Thyrsta 12/03/07

He has made me remember.
I escaped, but this man has made me remember.

I was wanton, sluttish...
A harlot.
I can remember.
I can remember the men, so many. My own choice, the satisfaction.
I remember delighting in the hurt, the betrayal, the despair in my
husband's face each time he found out. I can remember my children,
delighting in depriving them of motherly love. Delighting in their anguish,
in the pain it caused my husband.

In my desire to please the Light, I have deluded myself with memories
that were an illusion. I was no mother...I was no dutiful wife.
I was a spiteful, angry trollop.

Wilek must die.
I know this is a test.
The Light tests my faith.
It has brought me the truth through this rogue, this drawling fool, and
now I must use what he has given me.

It has shown me, now, the errors of my past. I know now why I see
horror and fear in the faces of those who I send to a better place, of
those who I ministrate amongst in Shattrath.

They could see it.

The could see my wanton ways, my sluttish past. They could see the
hypocrisy while I opened them up and searched for their pain. They
would scream with the knowledge of the fact that the one helping them,
the one cutting their pain and suffering out of them, was in fact unworthy.

I must redouble my efforts amongst them, prove to them that I am worthy
of my gift...of being a vessel of the Holy Light. I feel as if I am on the cusp
of a new beginning...of being an even more devout servant, in knowing my
flaws can be used to strengthen my work amongst those in need.

But first, to gain such a bright new start, this Wilek must die.

His face is so very familiar, it taunts me with unspoken secrets.

But it is no matter.

I know what I need to know. He is nothing. His relation to me, whatever
it was, is meaningless now.

I am so very sure he can tell me nothing more that could be worse than
the filth he has already brought to my recognition. He has brought me
a gift, a gift of clarity. He has, on behalf of the Holy Light, laid a test
before me.

There can be nothing else...there can simply be nothing else that he
has left to assault me with.

When Wilek is screaming for the end this will all be over.
I can have my memories of my loved ones, tainted as they may be.
I can have them the way I want to remember.

[Aureilya]

12/09/07

I am damaged.
I do not know how else to describe myself at this time.

I do things.
Terrible things.
I cannot stop.

Could he have helped me?
I do not know. He was so tired.
I could see it, feel it. He did not want to be what he was.

I was what drove him.
And when the goal of my removal became...
unclear?
He wanted it to end.
I ended him.

My emotions are unstable.
It is all I can do to hide my...weakness from the others.
I am nothing, a sham, a farce.

I look at what I do and I am horrified.
And aroused.
And
excited by it.

This is sick.

Someone stop me.
Someone please stop me.

[Aureilya]

12/10/07



I had a thought while burying his body.
Burying the man I had loved since childhood.

Do you know what that thought was,
in the midst of my anguish,
my grief,
My desolation?

I wondered how he would look without his eyes.

It was all I could do not to remove them as I wept over his corpse.

I wanted to take them.

Help me.

Emmons has taken me into his confidence. He looks to help
the elflings, with their addiction. He has asked me to assist him,
to help them.

And all I can think of is what the girl's flesh would taste like.
Would it be delicious?
How many pieces would I eat in front of her before she begs for
mercy?

I heard her mention my love's name. It fell from her mouth without
regard.

I cried for hours upon hearing it, while wondering what noises she
would make if I removed her tongue with my teeth.

I took another child.
It is clearer. I know what I do is an abomination.

I need to be killed.
I can't stop.

I can't stop.

I can't stop

I can t st op

I CA N 'T S TO P

CANT STOP

CAN T STOP ME STOP ME STOP ME

oh please stop me

[Aureilya]

12/11/07


I have been so very busy.
The girl is gone. Somewhere, I do not know.
She left a letter.
I wish her well when I am not thinking of how
she would look in pieces, what the marrow in
her fingers would taste like.

I cannot stop these thoughts.

I wanted so very much to visit Wilek and our
family. I began crying when I thought to dig up
their bones and hold them. It was all I could
do to not go to them. They deserve peace,
not my

not my

sickness

oh mercy I miss him

I wandered the Lower City in tears.
The killing makes my mind quiet.
It happened again.

I hate it I love it I need it I hate it

The Grim speak to me at times.
I stay quiet when I can.
I think they expect something, some

kind words? blessing?

I want to beg them to be silent
I want to tell them how I want to open them
and see what is inside

I want to scream for them to kill me

But I cannot stop

why can t I st op

[Aureilya]

12/12/07


The blood knight
I thought she would do it
I thought she would take her hammer and do it
kill me finally

but no

I could not think, could not focus
The thought of dancing with her consumed me
her hammer crushing my bones, rending my flesh
while I pull the life from her, tear her wide open and

consume her
such beautiful wounds
make it stop please
som eone make it st op

The girl is back.
I cannot think.
Too much in my head, it hurts
I am laughing at times
Crying at others

In front of the brethren
I cannot keep the mask up anymore, maybe this is good
I hope they see

The Tower, we were in it.
It keeps me from
doing what I do in the Lower City. Gives me an
alternative.

We rode there, encountering Alliance along the way
only a few
I screamed something screamed for them to show me
show me my favorite color
I screamed for the brethren to open them up
and show me
I threw rending spells intsead of healing magic
I ate from their corpses while the brethren looked on
I could see them murmuring
crazy priest
oh gods I hope they see

The big orc
healing his wounds in the tower
they were exquisite
his wounds as they opened and I closed them
hoping for more to see
closing them
open
close
open
close

help me

I think Acherontia knows
I think I told her
I don't know
Maybe she can do it
But I can't
cant st op

I want to cover the world in vermillion
scarlet
crimson

Such beautiful colors

[Aureilya]

12/13/07


I think they know
some are trying to help.

Help

I am sick, there is no help
I am damaged. It hurts all the time.

I asked Yichimet if he would hurt me.
He said no.
Pity.
His heart is so loud when I stand near him.
I want to hold it.

Acherontia was in my head.
she sees things, makes me talk
She said his name.
My love
I wanted to hurt everything she cares for
and take it from her and laugh
then cry

The Tower brought me pain
It was delicious.
Abject failure brought about so much pain, death
I screamed in release, thinking I was free finally
But I survived
pity
I want to kill them for failing
I want to cry for their failure
not being great enough to kill me.

I flew with a child, he thought my windrider was pretty
I thought he could fly
he could not
why did he stop screaming when he hit the ground
he showed me my favourite colour when he stopped falling

I could not stop laughing
I could not stop crying

Oh sweet mercy kill me

[Aureilya]

"There is nothing," Acherontia whispered softly to herself as she rode away from the priestess. "Nothing."

She would have to be more careful, for his sake.

[Aureilya]

the mage asked me to
I went

Oh gods why did I do it?

I took her so delicious a nd I
hurt her

The word for pain
the sha dowfiend opened her in so many places
and the fire came down down d own down down

down

she did not scream
but oh gods she was exquisite
delicious I ate and ate

and left her
left what was left
left

Wile k I nee d you plea se he lp

Acherontia
she said his name
she has

treasures

I can see it I know she has them
things
people yes people

she taunts me with my lost love
I am going to find what she loves
and tear it open in front of her

I will bury my teeth in her joy and rip
it away

and then she too
will know

and we will both know
she will know why I cry
and maybe
also why I laugh

[Aureilya]

12/17/07

It is quiet in my head, right now.
I can think.

I miss him so terribly.
A few moments, a few quiet moments.
That is all we had.
He tried.
I love him so much more for having tried.
I wish he had been able to do it.
He tried and I put him in the ground.

I see others who have what I do not.
Someone.
I think about it and my head gets loud.

It
Oh no
Its ge tting loud righ t now

ACH ERON TIA___ _ __

I CAN SM ELL YOU R FLO WERS

[Aureilya]

12/18/07

she said she is watching me
watching watching watchi in g
I remember her saying my love's name

SHE SA ID HIS NAME BIT CH WHORE H ARLOT

SHe said she would not hurt me
I hope she does hurt me
because I want to spread her ribs open
like scarlet bird wings
and see what is inside her
we can both scream and cry
I want to pull the slut apart unti it all STOPS

it never stops

maybe she can kill me
I ho pe so
maybe we can kill each other
mercy

they all sound like children
squabblin g
joking
lau ghing
but they do not taste like children
I want them to all scream____ _
I want them quiet quiet quiet
QU IET

Grim grim gr im Gr IMs
They sound like fools
unworthy
a cancer
weak
I am weak
I can'T STOP
I want to take them with me
cut the disease away
too weak too petty
I need strong ones
to kill me
please kill me

I am laughing more
crying less

no help no one
too late
I will make them al l QU IET

IT IS TO O LAT E

[Aureilya]

12/18/07

I think about taking her tongue for using
his voice.
I think about writing to him.
Telling him I miss him in a note
written in her blood.

She is a liar.
I can taste the fear in her.
She is strong, she does not fear me.
But she fears what I will do to

someone

She lies
Says she is without
emotion
LI E S

Filthy witch

She is like me
I hate her because she does not

Lover
she called me a lover
touched me
I want to cry in her arms
while pulling her apart
because I cannot be in his

the priest looks at her
admires her

I saw it again last eve
he stares fondly

she is guarded
He is Grim
She is Grim
I am Grim

I want to end everything
everyone

I hate

oh mercy Wilek
Come back to me love
kill me because I cannot

I am so weak
I will go to be with him now


((
I would suggest reading "Lover's Quarrel"
before reading the next entry.
))

[Aureilya]

((
I would suggest reading the above entry, then
"Lover's Quarrel" before this one, for this to make
much sense.
))

12/19/07

My love has come back to me.
My mind is so very quiet.

I have not been_

I was going to write "content", but I do not believe that is
the correct word, the one I want.

...happy, in some time?

Giddy, even?

I am not sure.

I think of him and I hurt.
I ache.
It is a good hurt, like what his knives bring to me.
Oh my, those knives.
Or what my spells bring to him.
We are damaged, I know it.
I think that he does too, in his own way.
But we are at peace with our

proclivities?
urges?
love?

I have fear now, as well.
I fear of losing him.

It terrifies me.

My mind clutters when I think of it, makes it feel like it did
so often before he returned.

I think of my behaviour toward Acherontia.
I do not know what to tell her.
...to say to her?

I want to beg her forgiveness.
I want to pour out my happiness to her like a silly child.
I want to hurt her if she even looks at him.

I am conflicted, to put it mildly.

But this is good.

I have my love.
I have The Grim.
The rest can burn.

And it will.

[Aureilya]

12/22/07


The Mistress requested my presence.
I went to her.
She

touched me

hugged me

the one who made me put my Wilek in the ground
the one who made it so my head was loud
I hate her

I serve her

The Mistress

She wanted to

talk

talk of my friends?

I have The Grim.

She admired my service, my work.

My fucking work...the things I do are not work.

They satiate me they make me weep they fill me
they corrupt me they complete me they make me
laugh they are sick and I love them

but they are not work.

She spoke of something greater than The Grim.

There is nothing greater.

She spoke of having me serve something greater.

I said I was Grim forever.
She said time devours all things.

I hate her.
I serve her.

I need to go to Wilek.
My head i s lo ud n oW

[Aureilya]

1/3/08


I am quiet.
Focused.

It has taken time.
Time away from The Grim.
Time with my love.

I am hated.
I am loved.
This is good.

I hate and I love in return.
Love for him.
Love for the Mandate.
Hate for everything else.

Everything else.

[Aureilya]

1/7/08

The Mistress no longer.
Lascivious.
Malebrignon.

My head is getting loud again.
This terrifies me. I have grown used to-

Clarity? Sanity?

I smiled while writing that word.
I wonder if I am truely insane if I loathe what
what I do. If I recognize how damaged I am?

I need to go to Wilek.
He is a good man. I am blessed.
Is there such a thing as a good hurt?
But even with him, together, we are not what
two should be. We are-

I don't know what we are, together.
But it brings me tranquility.

Perhaps I should speak with the Inquisitor.

I am still torn regarding her. Thinking of
Acherontia is somewhat confusing. Talking to
her is soothing, in some ways. In others, I still
wonder if somewhere on the horizon there is
a reckoning between us. There is much to
lose now.

I will go to Wilek.